So, today is Monday, and also Labour Day in Canada, meaning that tomorrow will be my first day of school. And today didn’t start all that bad; it was rainy, and I love rain, it makes me sleep well. However… I might as well have slept in a lot longer…
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One look on my account told me two things. First of all, I got some money from my stepdad, which I am grateful for. After all, I still need to pay the other half of my rent, and I promised my landlord to get it Monday, ergo today, because I knew I’d get some money from home.
As for the other thing… I knew it wasn’t gonna be enough. But I can’t exactly say “Thanks, I wish you’d given me more.” Now the money he got me was intended for schoolbooks… yet I still have to pay half my rent…
And then tomorrow I’m supposed to start the new semester with that shit on my mind? Seriously? Not to mention the waitlist for my most anticipated course hasn’t budged by one spot.
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I really don’t know. These past few days (weeks), I’ve really wanted to throw it all. I have NEVER been this broke in my entire life. I got virtually no cash, I owe half the rent, I have yet to buy my books… Mind ya, this isn’t the first time I couldn’t buy books right away, and I know that it does put me at a huge disadvantage. I can only hope for the library to have one of each book that I could borrow… every now and then…
Oh, and guess what? By October 1st, I also need to pay for extended medical, which I apparently can’t opt out of, but which has never done shit for me, ever. Even when I was sick and what not. That’s the fourth time I waste 275$.
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I know I am not the first one to say that being broke sucks. And seeing as this isn’t my first time in a tight spot, I know I’ll somehow make it. But I hate living with this uncertainty. I hate always just “barely making it”. I am a living example of how heavily worrying and stressing (especially of the fiscal sort) can affect your performance (as in, grades). At this rate, I am wondering how I can look back at this all as something good. Who knows how many years of my life have been pulled from this already (stress does age/kill you faster).
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And in all this, I wonder about having time for me. Enjoying myself some. Having some luxury.
I know that buying videogames counts as some of this, but trust me, I never spent money I didn’t have on them. And this summer I have definitely spent less than what I spend during school time. In part because I didn’t buy a summer semester bus pass, and thus would have to pay for the bus every time I go somewhere, which made me plain stay home for most of it… during school time I would just occasionally hop on the bus to the mall for spares or if I was done early.
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So what is there to look forward to right now? Christmas seems all too distant. Plus, by Dec. 1st, I’ll have to have paid for my spring semester. The following February will be the last time I get money from my student loan. How in the world will I be able to afford another year in order to finish bachelor…? That is, if my increasing number of failing grades doesn’t kill it from the start. I hate myself for being so weak. For having all these things affect my performance.
Right now, more than ever, I feel like the biggest failure. All the trust and money my parents put in me, did I waste it all? I know I could have performed better if I didn’t let all that shit get to me. I want to go home for consolation, but I don’t want to go home because that would also equal failure for me. I keep telling myself to still hold on, while I ask myself if it’s really worth pushing myself like that.
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That’s not to say that life here is hell or anything. But if home is where the heart is, either I never left my country, or I’m homeless. I don’t know. As a Taurus and “head” person I always need a sense of stability and security. Yet I cannot recall any time when I really had it. Ever. My life has been a balance act and I don’t like that. After all the “downs” I wonder where my “ups” disappeared to.
And while I know that there’s always people worse off, I cannot help but wallow in self pity right now. I would never use drastic means to end it and all that stuff, but I seriously don’t know what to do. Sometimes I wish this trialing time was over. But I’m also a tad afraid of beginning my working life, and I know that 2 years will pass in a rush, whether I like it or not.
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All the while I try to interpret the “signs”. Does me failing more increasingly mean that my heart has long given up on this? But then why are there other classes that I can ace through at the same time? Does me feeling this way mean that it’s time to go home, or am I being just half-assed about stuff?
Will I really be able to look back at this and honestly say it was one of the best times of my life?
