… that’s one of the things Death does to us. When someone we know even remotely passes on, we immediately become aware of the fragility of life. Regardless of where it was accidental, by choice, or murder; we begin to reconsider our priorities and where we stand in life.
It is a sad thing that it takes such grave events to make us aware of what should matter in our lives, but nonetheless I am once again thankfully for my usual life to be shaken up. Because as of recent, I have merely been existing, not living. Too many worries plague my mind, yet at the same time, procrastination set in. One day was like the next and sometimes I had trouble remembering what day of the week it was.
That sort of monotony is certainly not productive. Now, with the gravity of someone’s passing heavily weighing on my mind, I do realize that that alone can not be a catalyst to get me going. But it just might be what I need for ignition. However, I must not let it affect me to the extent that I ponder “Why am I doing this, it’s all going to end one way anyways.” and thoughts thereof.
Many people prefer not to speak of Death, like the mere mention brings it closer to them. But quite the opposite is true: Death is everywhere. That’s not to say one should be paranoid of the many possibilities that might take one’s life. But it’s a matter of fact that every few seconds or so somebody loses his or her life somewhere on the planet.
The person that made me write all this has committed suicide. I have never seen her face or heard her voice, but it still affects me. Unlike all those deaths I hear about or see on the news, this death is one that has, on some level, touched me personally, because I knew the one who died. Now I won’t use this space to discuss if I could truly have “known” her; we can save that for another time.
No matter what life throws at me, I try to find something positive in everything, and this event is no exception. Aside from its “wake-up call” function, I also want to be thinking “She’s at a better place now.” or “All her worries are over.”
But, and I won’t lie to you, to me, this all sounds more or less like someone sugar-coating something that deserves to stand as it is. For one, though I may hope it, I cannot know if she’s at a better place, if any. Secondly, the latter statement almost pisses me off. Of course her worries would be over; EVERYTHING is over for her now, including the possibilities she might have had. Now I have no right to say that she was wrong in choosing death, seeing as I don’t know the exact circumstances. I do however believe suicide does not solve problems; it merely ends them.
For some that might be fine, because a problem that ended is a problem no more, or so they say. But that negative energy from things left unresolved has to find an outlet somewhere, and most likely it’s going to hit the people closest to her.
Now despite my attitude towards suicide, I do not condemn her. I do wish that she, where ever (or whenever) she may be right now, she can find peace. At the same time, I do think that, if she’s possibly being reincarnated, her new life won’t be an easy one. Because ending your life on your own terms is sort of like leaving the exam room before answering every question: there’s big chance you failed the test. (I can’t say if similar terms would apply for “heroic” suicide like catching a bullet for someone.)
It’s hard to truly express how I feel. I certainly don’t wish to judge, especially seeing how I only have a little more than two decades worth of life-experience myself. I can’t say I know what’s right, only what I feel might be right.
And it’s not like I haven’t been there myself. Though most of it was probably teenage angst, I thought of various scenarios on ending my life. There was a time when I was as sure that I’d never make it to my 16th birthday as I was sure that the sun will rise every morning (which, in theory, isn’t guaranteed 
).
Leaving the reasons and possible further casualties aside, I was too much a coward to end my life. I didn’t think of all the good stuff I might miss, but rather I was afraid that it’d go wrong and I’d end up a vegetable or something. And, when my tendencies weren’t as strong as usual, I also though of the one or other person who just might miss me.
In the end, I am of course glad that I never went through with any of my plans. I can look back at things that I am glad to have experienced, and I am looking forward to having many more of these coming my way.
I’d love to bring about anti-suicide propaganda now (“There’s always someone you can talk to!” “You’re not alone!” “Something can be done to help you!”), but, when I think back at the time I was moping around depressed enough to even consider killing myself, I didn’t want any help whatsoever. This might sound like the “easy way out”, but I do think that if the person in question has not the tiniest bit of desire to live, there’s really nothing you can do about it. They have to change inside too.
But of course you can try and prevent the devastation to begin with. And if you can’t save that life, you should not feel guilty about it unless you’re the one who bullied that person in school/at work, then you should feel especially guilty.
~ ~ ~
I didn’t expect my first post in a long time (sans Epic Tears XD) to be of such nature, but I guess that’s just how it is…
P.S.:
I always had a tendency for dark humour, but in no means am ridiculing everything I previously said. I think…
I do believe though that humor is one of the best ways to cope. Seriously. I’d rather laugh than cry (though it might earn me weird looks at a funeral ^^; )
