The Fool & Him – or was it the Fool & I?

You’ll understand the title if you just keep reading.

So, I’ve decided to post the conversation I had with my friend. You know, the one I was referring to here and here.  It might help those who follow my entries to better understand past and present course of action.  Take note that even before this conversation happened, I had changed my screen-name to “The Fool”.  For his sake I changed his screen-name to “The Dense One”.  Which is quite fitting, as you will see.  Although I was tempted to make it “The Great Pretender”.

I deleted time stamps from the same minute or when it was still the same person talking.  Other than that, little editing has been done.  When the same person posted twice or more, I did remove their name, but each separate post is on its own line.

You’ll also find some personal remarks of my own on what’s been said in italics.  This’ll let you know that it wasn’t part of the original post.

~ ~ ~

19/09/2010

Sunday, early morning hours

2:09 am

The Dense One: u still awake

The Fool: yeah

can’t sleep

too much on my mind

• Little did he know that it was him who was on my mind at the time…

2:11 am

The Dense One: dun think too much abt it.. get some rest first..

i know~ easier said than done..

2:23 am

The Fool: ………..

• Yeah… I didn’t really feel like talking about it back then.  The day prior to this, I’d been posting this blog entry.  I wondered whether or not it was a good thing he hadn’t seen it.

20/09/2010

Monday night

8:57 pm

The Dense One: slept ok yesterday?

The Fool: Didn’t sleep till way late

Was there something you wanted from me?

• I kinda got my hopes up that he read my blog… it’d have been a passive way of telling him.

The Dense One: nope..

9:02 pm

The Fool: Ah, okay…

• Expectations begin to neutralize…

The Dense One: at least you slept xD

~back to lab stalking~

ooo nothing for me this time

oh well.. good things dont always happen right? xD

• Crash and burn… He was apparently still unaware of it.  As for what he said, he’s referring to what he does on a site called GPX+, which I had somewhat advertised to him and a few other friends, and we all had fun on there together.  Until it became part of the problem that’s been driving him and I apart…

The day after I proceeded to post this entry.  Although the decision in it had been made on Sunday, the 19^th already.  I made up my mind to give him an ultimatum, but the 21^st was the day I posted it on my blog.  Now you might wonder why I didn’t just tell him “You have till Wednesday night (22^nd) to open your trap and say something about this mess.”  So why didn’t I?

Well, don’t take this wrong, but I couldn’t just throw him all the life preservers at once.  There’s little work for him involved if I tell him each and every step, and as such I would never be able to be assured of his sincere desire to remain my friend.

Sep 21 2010, 07:27 PM

I received a PM on GPX from him, entitled “Dear Friend..”.  Here’s what it said:

Hi Kijame..

I just stalked your blog.. yeah like 10 minutes before i wrote this message..

thought I’d pm you here since skype ish lagging me somehow..

Okay.. Not really sure what happened.. but I somehow erased myself for a while to let things cool a bit..

Mari might lecture me again for being on skype.. i think..

I didnt mean to bombard you friends of mine with gpx and stuff.. its just a fun thing for me and I like to share my recent accomplishments.. i’d like to hear yours too.. I prolly sounded like some jerk talking about gpx almost all the time.. Sorry, again.. didnt mean to.. since i don’t really think before i say something.. all hyper when something good happens on gpx.. sorry.. for being oblivious to everything..

You read my skype status? Its meant for me actually.. totally not referring to anyone else.. Its kind of a reminder for me.. Life has ups and downs.. moving on from those “down” moments makes us better and stronger in the end right?

I dun want friendships to end.. they make our lives more colourful and meaningful eh? Let me tell you this.. You’re probably the most awesome faraway friend I’ve ever had! You introduced me to a bunch of awesome people.. awesome animes… awesome gpx! Thank you so so so so much!

[did that sound cheezy?]

Yes, there was some of his typical “I-hope-it’ll-solve-this-problem” cheesiness.  He tends to resort to that when he’s in trouble with someone.  But for the time being, I was just happy that he replied.  More so, that he had actually been reading my blog and realized I was indeed talking about him.  (I couldn’t be that obvious and just put his name in there after all.)

But, as it was getting late (I noticed the PM around 9pm or so), I decided to not get into the confrontation just before bedtime.  So my response to him was (as I remember it, since GPX doesn’t store sent PMs, just received ones) something along the lines of how I was tired and if we could discuss this the following day.

23/09/2010

Thursday afternoon

1:13 pm

The Fool: *pokes*

I saw you on GPX

you clicked me.

so…

you’ve been online…

are you not logging in to skype anymore?

• Well… as mentioned above, I was hoping to get this talk started the following day.  So on that day, I Skype’d him… but the messages were all pending… meaning he wasn’t logged in.

26/09/2010

Sunday afternoon

2:49 pm

The Fool: You still haven’t come online?

That’s kinda weird you know

seeing how you said you still want to be friends

• It had been 3 days since I received that PM.  I had not received a reply to my reply, nor had he logged in to skype.
• I decided to PM him again, telling him to get on skype, because this wasn’t something I found to be well discussed via PMs back and forth.

4:08 pm

The Dense One: hi there!

I just woke up and stuff.. be back in abt half an hour.. k?

4:09 pm

The Fool: ahkay.

• So he saw the PM.  Things were looking up.

4:40 pm

The Dense One: back~

how r ya these days?

The Fool: well, my keyboard is broken*

so it kinda sucks

• *It still is, on my Toshiba. The “b” and “n” buttons are no longer functional…  I’m writing from my macbook right now
• To make this easier on your brains, I’ve filled in all the b’s and n’s in the messages to follow.  This is the only alteration of message texts I have done.

4:41 pm

The Dense One: its kinda funny when i’m reading without b’s and n’s.. dropped your lappy or something?

4:42 pm

The Fool: nope.

and I doubt it would affect the keyboard more than the performance

4:44 pm

The Dense One: it decided to simply not work one day? weird..

The Fool: it’s not even a year old too.

• I didn’t really feel like elaborating the circumstances… it would distract us from the matters I wished to investigate and discuss.

4:45 pm

The Dense One: but its okay i guess.. everything still readable

there’s always on-screen keyboard..

The Fool: I know that

but it’s a hassle for IM

and steals my precious screen

• I wish I could make that on-screen keyboard smaller or see through or something.

4:46 pm

The Dense One: so true~

4:52 pm

The Fool: you’re not too talkative, huh?

• Remember, I had sent him a PM so that he may come on skype so that we could discuss the matters at hand.  Because with each fading day, it seemed to move further away from me… and I feared eventually I’d no longer remember what happened to cause this to begin with.
• So I was expecting something out of him now.

4:54 pm

The Dense One:

clearing spam mail xD

btw, played black/white yet?

4:55 pm

The Fool: how would I have done that when they’re not in english yet?

4:56 pm

The Dense One: ahaz..

hardcore fans already started playing

not giving a care for the language i guess~

4:57 pm

The Fool: I’m hardcore*, but I prefer reading what I can do. and paying for the game

I’m just not hardcore fan to the extent that I’ll sell my house and fly to japan for it I guess

• *I kinda got lost in what I wanted to say… I was a tad irritated over him just talking about that stuff and not the things that brought upon this period of uncertainty.  So this doesn’t necessarily make sense… I’m more hardcore than softcore, but I’m not extreme in my Pokemon passion I’d say…

4:58 pm

The Dense One: hehe.. in a few months we’ll get to see new PBR eh?

The Fool: we better

The Dense One: with triple battle and stuff… gona be epic~

The Fool: and it better have a story mode

4:59 pm

The Dense One: pbr doesnt have story to it?

The Fool: you’re slow with catching on, huh?

I only mentioned a million times that the lack of a story mode is PBR’s biggest flaw

• You may or may not realize, but I was getting agitated over him talking about this stuff (which I usually do enjoy) when there was more important things to discuss.

The Dense One: (chuckle) <– A Skype emoticon

how they do better in the next one then

5:03 pm

The Fool: So. You got anything that you want to say? Though I realize it seems more of a joke when I say it with 2 keys missing… I still mean it.

• I am getting more annoyed.  He did PM me about wanting to continue our friendship, but he keeps on talking like nothing happened?  He has NOTHING to say to me???

5:05 pm

The Dense One: umm..

not sure what to say now actually..

• Seriously?
• “My plan is simple: Kill the Batman.”  Oh wait. Wrong situation.

5:06 pm

The Fool: You had plenty time to plan ahead you know.

The Dense One: i know.. but..

honestly, i missed you~

snuggle?

5:08 pm

The Fool: then why’d you never go on skype?

and you didn’t PM me back either

I was happy when you PM’d me, but then I didn’t hear another word from you

until -I- PM’d you again

• I felt like he was trying to find a way out without actually addressing the tension between us.  And once again I had be the one to initiate the confrontation, as I had often done in my life… biggest example being my attempts to get in touch with my Dad over and over again… Talk about deja-vu.

5:10 pm

The Dense One: y me no skype? coz it hates me.. i cant surf the web sometimes..

The Fool: and here I was certain that Mari chewed the shit out of you.

• One of my best friends and the person I love most on this planet right now (aside from my mother of course), Mari, apparently dropped a huge rant-bomb on him for his actions and/or lack thereof.  I thought maybe he was afraid to go back on skype because she would bombard him again.
• –> I know I had a similar effect on another person, scaring the shit out of him… he was (almost) never to be seen online again.

5:11 pm

The Dense One: and.. y no pm you back? i dunno what else to say..

The Fool: you’re not all that convincing you know…

5:12 pm

The Dense One: yeah.. mari was angry and wanted me to stay away and stop bothering you.. so i figured i do that..

least i think she did.. i dunno..

• At this point I began using the on-screen keyboard for “b” and “n” because I was going to get serious.  Or rip him a new one if I had to. And the lack of letters would have seriously taken away from the impact of what I had to say.

The Fool: if you disappear on me without a word, what am I supposed to think of that?

• It  should be clear to y’all now how much I care about him.  I was obviously worried about the previous dead-silence from him the past few days.

and it’s not like I’d know what she wrote to you

if you didn’t stumble upon my blog, we would already no longer be talking now

• I was happy he read it, but imagine he hadn’t… or I hadn’t typed out the ultimatum there… he’d be long deleted from every place I had him added.  He didn’t seem too aware of that.

Social upkeep is a pain in the butt and I’m tired of trying to uphold loose ends.

• Partially referring to how whenever there was tension between my father and I, it was always me who made that phonecall, wrote that postcard, or sent that email.  Always.  My father too had been given an ultimatum eventually, because I could not let his apparent lack of caring for me affect my performance and mental health any longer.  I need to cut the threads that hold me down…  but the principle applies here too.

5:15 pm

The Dense One: gomen.. i didnt know how to react to mari’s lecture and yeah.. kinda virtually disappeared..

sry~

• Well, Mari had indeed chewed him out.  I’d see why he wouldn’t talk to her.  But why not talk to me?  I had yet to tear him a new asshole.  And I hoped I wouldn’t have to.
• Why didn’t he ask me about her rant?  Why was he not questioning anything?  Not even getting angry either…

5:16 pm

The Fool: And of you, I would have expected better. Blub is the clueless one. You’re just pretending to be.

• Why would I say pretending?  Because he had dropped some phrases in the groupchat we had (with Mari and others) that made it clear to us he was not just oblivious to some of the damage his words did.  Though the internet can add or take meaning and/or emphasis, some things were crystal clear to us all.
• Also, no offense BluB, I <3 you.  Though you probably will disagree with being called clueless again XD

It’s no longer cute to me.

• You see, when we RP’d, he developed this cute, clueless persona.  He even referred to it as persona himself.  Eventually, he started blaming said side of him whenever he misunderstood something and whatnot…  but it’s kinda like with fake smiles.  You can tell whether there’s intent and of what sort it is.

What I also don’t understand is why you took Kira and Doodles off your palpad. They didn’t have anything to do with this.

• It was just Mari and I walking him to the ropes.  Those two have not made any motion towards anyone’s side (at that point, anyways).  Being removed made them return “the favour”.  I mean, to them, it was kinda hurtful, being taken off his GPX+ friendslist without reason or warning.  They clicked him daily too, so it’s not like they were wasting his palpad space…

5:17 pm

The Dense One: pretending.. eh?

• What, you don’t think I can’t see that?  Or do you seriously believe that you are as clueless as BluB?  (I still wuv ya, Blubby!)

i know.. i myself cant remember why i did that~

• That sort of answer does not help us progress… and he has lots of those in store.

5:18 pm

The Fool: Communication is key to any relationship of any kind. To just disappear won’t bring about any conclusions.

• I’m sure y’all would agree.  Just ignoring an issue does not bring about any resolution whatsoever.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure whether I was more hurt or more pissed. But either way I wasn’t exactly feeling uplifted.

I guess I should have seen it coming. It played out so similar to what we did in the RP too… The Dense One disappears and I have only Mari to lean on.

• Same RP I mentioned in one of my above annotations.  And same conclusion as well.  I wonder where we got those creepy prediction powers…  In the RP, his character literally fled “the scene” upon confrontation.  My character was left behind in utter confusion, both worried about him and Mari’s character and the development that just had taken place.  In the end, we never finished the RP because he vanished, giving us no really conclusion…

5:21 pm

The Dense One: gomen… my fault…

ooo i guess you’re right..

The Fool: I suppose I should be happy about an apology… but… I don’t know…

• Standard routine with every guy, isn’t it?  They say sorry and hope the storm will settle with that.  And though I was a little happy regarding his apology… did he really know why he was apologizing?

5:22 pm

The Dense One: its about all i can do behind the computer screen for now..

• I agree, but I also disagree.  After all this mess was started from behind the computer screen as well.  And to resolve it, no “real life” action was required.  It’s not like I expected him with a flower bouquet and chocolate in front of my door any minute now.

The Fool: The one thing I do know is that there’s no way things will be as they were. Those are memories from a time we can’t return to. Mari was pissed enough to remove you from her skype.

she doesn’t usually get all emotional.

• I might not have been too clear on this one.  But basically, over online things, she seldom gets as agitated as she had been with him.

5:24 pm

The Dense One: sigh.. y must things go spiralling down..

The Fool: You tell me.

• Anger level rising.  To me, this totally sounded like he thinks the world conspired against him and him alone.  As for the answer of his question: Because you’re not doing shit about it.  You just run away from anything that remotely looks like confrontation.

The Dense One: brb.. call..

5:25 pm

The Fool: Honestly though, you did have more than enough time to reflect on what you want to say to me. It’s not like this conversation took you by surprise.

• Need I add anything?  Though I suppose this was inevitable… as you can see by now, he prefers to leave problems alone so that they may solve themselves… it made me seriously question how much time he actually spent reflecting on this.  Couldn’t have been too much.

5:31 pm

The Dense One: back~

i guess i chose to not think much abt it.. i thought i’d be painful..

• Told ya.  He simply runs away.

5:33 pm

The Fool: More painful than not knowing?

5:34 pm

The Dense One: mhmm..

wait a minute.. did you fix your keys?

5:35 pm

The Fool: No genius*, I’m using my onscreen keys.

How else would I be able to make myself sound coherent?

• Obviously getting agitated now.  Is he trying to change the subject?  And even if he wasn’t intending to, he noticed that now? WTF?
• * That one almost came out as “No shit, sherlock.”  But I digress.

5:37 pm

The Dense One: ouh.. its okay.. i can still understand without the b’s and n’s…

• And he keeps going with this useless talk, which has virtually nothing to do with what I’ve been trying to talk about…

The Fool: You’ve cost me at least 10 years of my life by now. I thought only my dad and brother would get me there…

• Explanation: Stress can indeed reduce your life-span.  Too much stress kills you.  And while I admit that 10 years was a tad high for an estimate of the time he possibly robbed me, it was a rage-filled estimated aimed to impact.

Fuck.

• I don’t use this word a lot.  So when I do, shit is about to hit the fan. Or has already done so the moment prior to me using it.

The Dense One: O.O

10 years.. is a lot..

• Once more… IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

5:40 pm

The Fool: Seriously, how’s a girl like me supposed to ever trust a single male individual when they all turn out to be assholes. Each of them saying the same fucking thing. How many more times must I be disappointed before I learn? How am I supposed to not develop trust issues? How am I supposed to function normally? I don’t need this stress. I should ignore guys from the get-go. But I still try to judge them individually. Only to get disappointed. My cause of death will be cancer over the grief the men of this world have cause me.

• Most of you probably know about my man-hate and the reasons for it.  But despite the fact that I should know better… I still get myself involved with those meager y-chromosomes.  And the result?  Yet another “You should have known better” medal for my collection.  Every. Single. Time.  (Well, almost.)
• Also, you may argue against this, but cancer is not just caused genetically or chemically.  A broken heart can go a long way…  suffering can manifest in many ways.  Physical things like cancer cells are one of them.

And you’re now part of that fucking club.

• Oh noes, f-word again.  But yes.  It’s true…

Congratulations.

• I was gonna say “congratu-fucking-lations”, but yeah…  too much f-word for my taste.  At least at the time.  In retrospective, it’d have been appropriate.

5:50 pm

The Dense One: umm.. feel free to leave me.. if it’ll just continue hurt you more.. whats the point of this friendship.. i just want to see you happy..

• Oh. My. God. *eyeroll*

The Fool: What did you expect, that I run into your arms saying how much I missed you?

• I mean, did he really?  Then… he’d be quite dumb.

This obviously requires work.

I can’t just ignore stuff. Or stop thinking about it.

• Because the pain won’t go away that way… only grow.  Like cancer.

Your answer is so full of cowardice. Is that the best your sense of friendship has got? Because if it is, I will not shed another tear for your sake. I’m sick of people trying the easy way out.

You said the worst, most cliché thing a guy could say in this situation. Seriously.

• He was not responding to my accusation… I was buildng up rage again.

To assume that cutting all ties makes me happy… that’s downright arrogant. There’s no way anyone would be happy, parting ways like that. Cutting all ties is a last resort, not a solution. Is this all there is to your vow of friendship? WAKE UP!

• If he had been sitting next to me at the time, I’d have shaken or slap him now.  Although I might have done that a lot sooner too.

Why do you think I’m talking to you now? Sure, just deleting you from my lists might seem easier and less painful. But it’s not.

Don’t try to jump ship just because we hit an iceberg.

Why do I even bother, after all this? I’m an idiot.

You have no idea how much I love you, you idiot… and then you say something like that to me… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this shit. Why can’t I just stop caring about you?

• 4 f-bombs in a row… To say I’m upset is an understatement.

Fuck you.

• I was hesitant to send this one, but… it needed to be said.

Even when everyone else told me to ignore you already…

I still wanted to believe in you…

You are so cruel.

• At this point, I was crying.  Even now when I read over it again, every time, my eyes get watery.
• I hate admitting to crying.  I hate showing weakness.  But I find it necessary to admit to it here.

And I’m fucking moron for hanging on.

And for believing.

• Or maybe I’m a freaking masochist…

6:07 pm

The Dense One: no.. dont say that.. i’m the idiot remember..

The Fool: You’re not helping.

Why am I doing all the talking? You should be the one pouring your heart out, not me. This is all wrong.

I’m opening up to you to such extent despite everything, and that’s all the things you had to say?

• I mean … I just told the guy how much I love him.  I don’t go around spouting how much importance a guy carries for me.  Not usually.  I was being brutally honest on how I felt about him.
• Only thing I would’ve changed was to call him “baka” instead of idiot… cause that’s the sort of situation it fits with… but somehow it felt like that’d steer us into the “one-sided love” plot of animanga

6:13 pm

The Dense One: I…

what am i supposed to say? supposed to do? after hearing all that..

I..

• Anything.  Anything decisive.  No more talking around the bush.  Get mad, get upset.  You’re not fighting back whatsoever.  “Guilty as charged?”
• Do you even fucking care?

*** As one of my friends so fittingly noted, he was basically “taking it up the ass” like a prison bitch.  That made me chuckle a bunch. ***

6:18 pm

The Fool: Your inaction hurts about as much as your actions, you know. Why do you think I have this screenname? Because I am a fool…

6:24 pm

The Dense One: sry for that moment of silence… had to do something..

well..

I won’t leave you.. lets just continue having fun like always

well.. might not be totally possible but.. lets try~

• So he’s back to the old tactics?  Let us forget and be merry? WTF man.

6:30 pm

The Fool: You’re like one of those guys that say “Yes.” “Ahuh.” “Yeah yeah.” on the phone…

Sure I wish to have fun in the future. But I can’t help but wonder if I am even getting through to you.

• I mean, look at all those half-assed answers.  They’re not answers at all.  He doesn’t seem to hear my voice.

6:31 pm

The Dense One: hmmm?

6:32 pm

The Fool: You really don’t have anything at all you want to say?

6:36 pm

The Dense One: luv ya too kijame~

• [insert “Are you fucking kidding me” meme face here]

i’m uncertain of its degree but…

I know i care..

and it makes me happy to know you care as well

(sry for the random pauses.. doing random chores..)

• Finally an answer with some content… but the last line just killed it.  “So you were pouring your heart out. Cool story bro.  Meanwhile I did the dishes.”  I mean, even if he has to, why tell me?  I’d rather have kept believing he was using these pauses to actually reflect on what to say or do next.

6:44 pm

The Fool: This is… tiring…

I’m really not making myself clear enough.

I don’t want to have to say anything anymore…

• I was mentally and physically exhausted.  And hadn’t eaten dinner yet.  And no matter what I said, it seemed to have little effect.
• Besides, I wanted him to talk to me.  Hear his side.  That sort of stuff.

6:46 pm

The Dense One: okay~ you dont have to~

LET ME CHOKE HIM NOW!

i’m heading out for breakfast now… laters kijame~

6:48 pm

The Fool: Gawd dammit The Dense One, there’s a limit to everything.

2 hours I’ve waited…

• We’d been chatting for 2 hours… and nothing changed?  No surprise, seeing as he didn’t really contribute a shred.  This was too much for me…

but I’m the only one doing the talking

6:52 pm

The Dense One: sry.. i didnt wanna leave but my siblings are already waiting.. back in a few..

The Fool: it’s not about you having to leave…

• It’s not like I’d deny him a meal over this… him having to eat wasn’t fueling my pain-rage.

It’s like I’m talking to a brick-wall. Don’t talk to me again unless you know what you want to say. If you still can’t understand what I’ve been trying to tell you, I guess that’s it. It’s not my job to tell you what I want to hear. You should have figured that out long ago. On your own.

I wasn’t as clear as I wanted to be.  But if he seriously wanted to fix this, he’d have to show me such sincere attitude.  Bowing your head and waiting for it to go away won’t do for me.  If he doesn’t know why he’s apologizing, what good does it do either of us?  And I’ve thrown him enough life-preservers.  I really couldn’t take any more of this…

Today is the 29^th. Another 3 days have passed.  And I have not heard from him since.

~ ~ ~

I believe this might be the end of this friendship.  It’s regretful.  I really liked him, for a guy anyways.  We had a great many pleasures in common…

But like I said…  I can’t bear the uncertainty anymore…  I don’t want to keep pulling the words I need to hear out of him…  It hurts… and it’ll still hurt for a while… but eventually, I will be free again.  Despite him having a profound impact on my life, I can say that I will recover.  Unlike my with my father, to whom, in the end, I’ll alays be bound to by blood, this now-broken bond is something that I can detach from myself.  Pretty much completely, as time passes.

It’s a pity.  But if this friendship was never what I thought it to be to begin with, I might spare myself much greater pain in the future…

~ ~ ~

I don’t know what else to say…  I think that I can get over it.  But I’ll never forget.

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This was a pain to edit… I put it all neatly on word, then copy pasta’d it here (WordPress has a “insert from word” button).  However, the only formatting it copied was bold and italics… no colour, no centering, nada.

So I had to do it all over again…

_____________________________________________

Feel free to agree or disagree with me on this.  Maybe you think I’m just trying to make him look bad… but he had his chance to explain himself and he didn’t take it.  And I doubt he’ll ever grow the balls to do so.  Or maybe he just never cared to begin with.

I don’t know.  And I’m trying to not care.